Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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