I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
