if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
