I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
