i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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