Moan for me like Helen Keller
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
