I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
