i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
