I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
