when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
