My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
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Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
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I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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