Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
