whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
