How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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