If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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