sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
