why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
did i just pee glitter
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
