Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
