We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
