I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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