If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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