He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
