guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
