I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
