I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
