Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
