I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
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you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
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That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.