I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
