Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im holly from the hills drunk
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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