the condom got lost in my hair
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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