I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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