was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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