this beer tastes like vomit already
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
