It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
