i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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