Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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