Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
