Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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