If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
