Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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