He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
