We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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