I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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