remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
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going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
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You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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