Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
