New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
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I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
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I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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