so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
