i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
