I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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