life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
how drunk are you?
Several
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
