I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Are my feet made of real feet?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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