she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
