I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
