Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
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it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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