your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
