just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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