dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
There's always time for handjobs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
