she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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