Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
