Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
