dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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