OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
