apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Who died my cat blue again?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
